Fred Allen Jack Benny Feud

Fred Allen: Jack, you couldn't ad lib a belch after a plate of Hungarian goulash.

Jack Benny: You wouldn't say that if my writers were here.

Fred Allen: Why you fugitive from a Ripley cartoon ... I'll knock you flatter than the first eight minutes of this program.

Jack Benny: You ought to do well in pictures, Mr. Allen, now that Boris Karloff is back in England.

Fred Allen: Why, if I was a horse, a pony even, and found out that any part of my tail was used in your violin bow, I'd hang my head in my oatbag from then on.


Fred Allen: Tomorrow night, in your ermine robe, you will be whisked by bicycle to Orange, New Jersey, where you will be the judge in a chicken-cleaning contest.

Jack Benny (rapturously): I'm KING for a Day!

[Allen proceeds to have Benny's clothes pressed:]

Fred Allen: Upon our stage we have a Hoffman pressing machine.

Jack Benny: Now wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Fred Allen: An expert, operating the Hoffman pressing machine, will press your trousers.

Jack Benny: NOW WAIT A MINUTE!!! (total audience hysteria laughter, as Benny's pants are literally removed).

Fred Allen: Quiet, king!

Jack Benny: Allen, this is a frame--- (starts laughing himself) Where are my pants?

Fred Allen: Keep your shirt on, king.

Jack Benny: You BET I'll keep my shirt on!

Fred Allen: We're a little late, folks! Tune in next week---

Jack Benny: Come on, Allen, where are my pants!

Fred Allen: Benny, for 15 years I've been waiting to see you here like this!

Jack Benny: Allen, you haven't seen the END of me!

Fred Allen: It won't be long NOW!

Jack Benny: I WANT MY PANTS!
The long-standing feud with fellow comedian Jack Benny was one of Fred Allen's best known jokes. Of course in real life, the two comedians were best of friends, but in frequent appeares on each other's radio programs, they exchanged witty insults.


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